I would like to thank you all for coming to another press conference about, well me!
The purpose of this press conference is to discuss my plans for racing in 2015. I would like to announce that I have officially signed once again to be a rider on the Team Fatty Racing Team. After months on negotiations my agent has finally come to terms with Elden “Fatty” Nelson. While the negotiations have been contentious and difficult at times we have reached terms. In addition to riding for Team Fatty, I have been named Team Leader and GC rider. I would like to open the floor for questions.
Um. Surely someone has a question?
Are you serious, he signed YOU again?
Yetti? Are you really the only one at the press conference again? Aren’t you just the name for the voice in my head that taunts me while I am riding?
Open your eyes Man! Yes I am the only one here again. Maybe you want to try holding a press conference when people are actually awake. By the way your should close the door to your office. It’s embarrassing to be be taunting you and having people just think you are talking to yourself.
What’s your question Yetti?
HE signed YOU again?
After your 2014?
Hey I won a race.
Yeah. Well lets go back over that one. As I recall, even your “friends” had problems with that race.
I stand by the victory.
And after that. You crashed yourself out of contention BEFORE a race. Impressive.
You are very monosyllabolic today.
Umm…..is that a real word?
And while you finished your last race you needed help.
Don’t go there. I get a pass on that one.
Fair enough. What proof do you have of this?
Here. Let me bring a graphic up on the screen.
That’s a picture of a book cover. What does it prove.
Oh sorry. Here.
Umm. I am speechless.
Thank You. Yes Amazing I know.
You call that a contract?
What, it’s signed.
I am not sure that is a legal contract.
I do believe this would be held up in court. It has my name and his signature.
Did you just text me orally?
Do you have a question or not?
I am still digesting this.
Do you have a question or not?
It says you got a “big raise”. How much will you be paid for racing in 2015?
Well as you all know. Fatty paid me $5 for my services in 2014. This contract is for $29.95.
Wait, wasn’t that the cost of the book plus the donation in order to get it signed?
You PAID HIM to get this contract.
So you paid him to get this contract.
Well. In a manner of speaking.
That means it cost you money to be racing on his team.
The money went to a good cause. World Bicycle Relief.
That’s not the way a professional contract is supposed to go. Do you realize that with this contract you will be loosing $34.95 when compared to last year.
Great agent you have there bud.
You were your own agent weren’t you?
Don’t you have a PhD in rocket science?
Well did he provide you with a kit at least?
How much did that cost you?
I would rather not say.
You do realize that on a professional team, they pay you. And even on locally sponsored racing teams, they provide the kits. It’s advertising for them.
OK. Any more questions? No. Thanks for coming. I am stoked for 2015.